


The joys of being a lightweight and bad with ‘Accio’

by Howdafloof



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crack, Gay Marriage, Lucius Malfoy gets wasted, M/M, Marriage, bad transfiguration, big booty innuendos, narcissa gets turned into a naked duck
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-01
Updated: 2021-03-01
Packaged: 2021-03-14 06:54:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,014
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29788122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Howdafloof/pseuds/Howdafloof
Summary: Draco Malfoy, heir to the Malfoy name is propelled home one evening by the power of his gay thoughts.Upon explaining his return to his parents, Lucius decides to get wasted, proceeds  to have a wedding, do some terrible transfiguration, break into Hogwarts and turn his wife into a duck.Not necessarily in that order.“Oh Father please don't cry, I wanted to ask if you’d give me away at the wedding-”Lucius cried harder.“-the colour scheme is going to be the Rainbow.”Lucius bawled.
Relationships: Justin Finch-Fletchley/Draco Malfoy
Comments: 2
Kudos: 5





	The joys of being a lightweight and bad with ‘Accio’

It was a quiet evening at Malfoy manor, Lucius was calmly sipping his tea while scanning the bargain buy section of the prophet (Penny pinching and knitted thongs were his kink.)

Narcissa was knitting a thong.

The fire crackled, warmth spreading through one of the smaller living rooms they had (a total of seven including a miniature one for mice.) The atmosphere was pleasant but relaxed.

Unfortunately the door being kicked open by the Malfoy heir ruined that atmosphere and forced a quick thinking Narcissa to hurl the half knitted thong into the fire for discretion.

 _“FATHER-HOLY FUCK!”_ Were the first words that came out of the blonde boy’s mouth.

“Draco! What an earth has bought you home? You’re supposed to be at Hogwarts learning to wave your wand and make penis innuendos about waving your wand...” Lucius trailed off as he glanced more closely at his son. Draco looked rather exhausted, his hair was messy and his cheeks were reddened from exertion, however he had a fire in his eyes and what appeared to be a raging erection in his trousers.

“Oh Father! It is a fire in my loins that has bought me homeward bound-propelled from Scotland by my gay thoughts!” The boy announced dramatically, slapping a hand over his heart and wincing upon finding he’d done it too hard.

Lucius shared a glance with his wife before leaning forward.

“I beg your pardon Draco-what exactly was that last-”

“A muggleborn father! He has caught my ire!” The boy announced dramatically. Lucius nodded while internally sighing, readying a wandless summon to bring over some parchment and ink to beg Dumbledore to do something about the person who had slightly inconvenienced his son.

“-And my eye...” Draco continued, posture softening and letting out a longing sigh as he gazed at the nearest wall, which became covered in ink as Lucius fucked up the trajectory of the summoned ink pot and stabbed a house elf with the quill in sheer surprise.

“Draco!?” His mother cried out, readying her own summoning spell for smelling salts that she would need when she gracefully fainted in the next several seconds.

Pulling out of his reverie, Draco turned to his father and squared his shoulders.

“Father-I like cock!” He spoke boldly, so impassioned by his speech or at least the though of cock that he didn’t notice as the second banjaxed summoning spell sent a bag of smelling salts exploding over the the inked up wall.

Lucius, ever the unmovable stalwart he was, stared at his son with disbelief, managing to make a vague sound that indicated he’d heard him, similar to that of a gobbling turkey as he gripped the armrest with pale fingers.

Neither noticed when Narcissa fainted with a massive fart and went head first to the floor, robes falling back to reveal a chastity device that cursed the perpetrator of pre-mediated penetration.

“His name is-oh! You should meet him- _Accio Justin Finch-Fletchley!-_ Oh Father I simply cannot wait to be deflowered by his massive-”

Draco was cut off as the ink and salt laden wall was once again assaulted-this time by a 15 year old boy crashing through it and slamming down onto the stone floor to join Draco’s mother as an unconscious heap.

“Father this is-oh hang on- _Rennervate!”_

Justin jolted on the floor, barely having time to look up before being yanked up by the blonde who lovingly dusted bits of the stone wall out of his soft black hair.

“Father-this is Justin Finch Fletchley and i want him to dick me down harder then a horny werewolf on a full moon!” Draco said, squeezing the taller boy’s arm, who, despite being groggy barely a few seconds ago was now looking undoubtably smug.

“Oh Draco-seems you couldn’t resist the call of my _extra thick, double bounce house, mega chungus booty_.” Justin smirked in that sexy way he did. Draco just cuddled against him.

“No my love-you and your _Finch-Fletchley fatty shatty_ are too much to bear being away from.” The blonde sighed, staring into Justin’s caramel eyes.

Lucius managed to make his second turkey sound as he continued to sit transfixed by the rapid progression of his his sons love life, and even faster ending of the Malfoy line. In an attempt to draw moral support from his wife, Lucius managed to pick up his wand and attempt a shaky Rennervate on her.

She proceeded to become naked.

In his hazy panic he attempted several more spells, only stopping with a sob when he turned his wife into a featherless duck.

“Oh Father please don't cry, I wanted to ask if you’d give me away at the wedding-”

Lucius cried harder.

“-the colour scheme is going to be _the Rainbow_.”

Lucius _bawled_.

In his severe trauma he sent out a wave of accidental magic that managed to teleport the entire household into a college frat house party, and was rudely interrupted from his distress by the sound of loud music and the sight of hot young men grinding on each other.

“Draco!” He yelled out through a horse throat and a snotty nose, quickly spotting his son still pressed against the thing that would not produce a lineage looking around curiously. His failure of a heir turned back to him with glittering eyes and yelled over the thumping of the bass.

“Oh Father! It’s a perfect place for the wedding!”

Any remaining mental cohesion and rationality dissolved from Lucius mind, damning the statue of secrecy, he summoned the nearest bottle of alcohol, which knocked out several people on its way to his hand and got smashed. (The bottle also got smashed five minutes later when he mistook it for his wand in a drunken haze and attempted to turn the DJ into a frog, only succeeding in knocking him out.

Albus Dumbledore was reclining in his comfiest armchair by the fire in his room, he was on the verge on dozing off when a desperate banging on his door drew him back to full attention.

“Mr Headmaster Mr Headmaster!” Came a slurred voice from outside, the wood separating them and undoubtedly intoxicated state of the shouter had the rather curious headmaster puzzled at the speakers identity.

All thoughts of relaxation gone, the Headmaster was on his slippered feet and quickly over at the door. Upon opening it he found Lucius Malfoy, lacking in the clothing department with a tie round his head and dicks drawn on his face dancing to some music the Headmaster could not hear.

“Mr Malfoy?” Dumbledore managed to query, rather proud of how fast he had pulled himself together despite the sight in front of him being something he wouldn’t have dreamt of in another 100 years.

The Headmaster’s voice shook the blonde out of his trance and after stumbling slightly he sent a toothy grin at the older man.

“Ohh Dumbledore mate!-you gotta come see my faggot son yeh? He’s hes-um doing rings and shit-with that chubby muggleborn with the big fatty.”

Ah of course-Mr Finch-Fletchley-the boy had an arse that could only be described in the purest art form. Innuendo.

“That-well that sounds-pardon me-how did you get in?” Dumbledore interrupted himself upon realising the front doors of Hogwarts should have been locked by now.

“Oh that-just kinda banged on the door till that dementor let me in-punched it in the face while scremin’ ‘YOU AINT HAVIN’ MY SOUL!’ It was metal.”

This time Dumbledore truly was stuck for words. He vaguely recognised Argus had been punched in the face and heaven only knows what the inebriated man had left out about the cat.

“Look man the wedding is in five minutes so like-”

“Yes yes I’m coming-oh do you mind if i bring along a plus one?...”

“Albus this is _insane_!”

Professor Mcgonogal really regretted not being more awake when Albus had barged into her quarters telling her that there was an event not to be missed happening and that haste was of utmost importance.

She’d barely gotten her dressing gown on and grabbed her spectacles before Albus had all but pulled her out into the corridor where at first glance a homeless man was dancing. She’d blearily identified it as Lucius Malfoy several seconds after, however didn’t have time to comment as they were twisting through space and Minerva realised with horror that a drunken Lucius Malfoy was apparating them.

She had no idea where they ended up (in one piece thankfully), there was loud music, flashing lights and what appeared to be a wedding aisle and arch transfigured out of curtains with a load of sloppily placed chairs transfigured from beer cans. Hell they weren't even transfigured properly- they had the colour scheme and texture of a beer can.

She didn’t even have time to comment before being hastily pushed into one that-thankfully-held her weight. The Headmaster wasn't so luckily, however she was too busy staring at a bunch of half naked drunken muggles conversing with a load of wizarding authority figures, many of which looked like they to had been dragged out of bed.

The malformed beer can transfigurations were a blessing in comparison to a man wearing a lion cloth conversing with very out of his comfort zone Cornelius fudge, the minister himself wore see through silk sleeping robes.

Minerva was suddenly grateful for the dim lighting.

In her tired, confused state the deputy headmistress managed to make out Amelia bones who was just staring around the room in horrified fascination and Augusta Longbottom who, despite her age was attempting to dance on a table while the muggles threw money at her.

Minerva wondered if this was fever dream. Perhaps Potters crazy adventures had finally begun having an effect on her.

It was just as she managed to pull most of her coherent mind together and whisper to Dumbledore just how insane the whole thing was when the music changed.

Lucius-who had been dancing around the room, occasionally yelling happily at random people-politely ushered people to their seats with a cry of ‘SHITS ABOUT TO START YO!’

And what a shit it was.

Never in all her years did she suspect Draco Malfoy would be walking down the hastily made isle clothed in a wedding dress made of tea-towels while his father stumbled drunkenly beside him. The young man was beaming happily despite the music being a ridiculously out of place song about someone yelling ‘ _Never gonna give you up_ ’, the sheer indifference to such chaos reminded Minerva of Luna Lovegood. As they neared the front, the Depury Headmistress nearly fainted upon realising none other then Justin Finch Fletchley was now standing under the arch. The Hufflepuff chunky monkey looked rather dashing in a suit and a mixture of fat and muscle gave him some mighty pecs and _oh heavens that arse!-_ Minerva was sure she’d be arrested if anyone ever saw her ogling a fifteen year old boy’s bum in a pensive.

Once the two were standing under the arch, Luscious wobbled over to the terrible structure and gripped onto it while he began speaking.

“So um...thanks for bein’ here-these two are about to um-bang and shit so in recognition of that-I present you both this chicken-actually i think its my wife? But what the fuck _ever_ -have a chicken!” The man burbled drunkenly as he produced what appeared to be a fainted featherless duck from somewhere and practically threw it at the two.

Or tried to, it missed and hit Kingsley in the face. Interesting, Minerva had never head the man scream before.

“So with all that said and done-lets Partyyyyy-!”

The man began to waver as he held the note before crashing backwards in a faint.

Three things proceeded to happen..

The police broke down the door of wherever they were, telling everyone to get on the floor.

The featherless duck transformed into a naked Narcissa Malfoy. Who flopped off of a still screaming Kingsley into the aisle.

Everyone’s chair collapsed.

All in all it was probably one of the best wedding’s Minerva had ever been to.


End file.
